Welcome to my Weird Zone

My weird zone is what makes me, ME. It defines the worst and best side of me. TLDR; The weird zone is the short period of time where I don’t want to do anything with my life due to something bad that happened to me.

Part 1

2021 just started and what better way to start it. (sarcasm alert!)To give you context, I have these episodes where I don’t want to do anything with life.

To give you an idea of the magnitude of my disinterest I go into:

1. I didn’t even brush today.
2. I didn’t do any office work, literally watched Netflix, and ate chocolate.

I call them my weird zone since my behavior is weird. I don’t follow any habit, feel worthless, underconfident, feel everyone is better than me, I feel I shouldn’t even have a job, I should quit, that I am worse than anyone I ever met, and my friends are having a better life than me. It’s a bottomless pit. The shame of being alive in the weird zone just increases day by day. Today is day 5th of the weird zone. Yeah. Fucking day 5th.

I tried getting out of this weird zone from the last 5 days. I tried a lot of things to get my mind off things:

1. I went out with my parents. Told them what I was feeling and ask for their advice or if they have a magic pill to solve this problem.
2. I went for a drive and sang songs for 1 hour. I was really happy till I was driving then got sad after it.
3. I went running for 3 km.
4. Then I cried, I cried after running, I cried in bed too.
5. I did pushups.
6. I watched porn hoped it might change my mood.
7. I watched Netflix, Prime, Hotstar, and Youtube.
8. I drank coffee.
9. I texted some of my friends told them about it.
10. I had therapy.

Fucking nothing worked and I didn’t feel better afterward. It was only when my close friend told me, she trusts me, I can do anything I want and she will support me. I feel I have a stupid idea of starting a travel blog and she was explaining how I can go to some hill station, where I can find wifi, where I have to get a vehicle on rent. When I saw I can literally do anything right now, and I was pushed a little to see that, that my feelings changed. I think trust, love, and sincerity in friendship are what made me feel better.

I know I will come back to this blog in the future when I am in a weird zone. Remember family and friends love you unconditionally. Ask for help, be vulnerable, and let it out. This too will get over. There will be a day when you’ll figure out your life a lot better but for that to happen go try something uncomfortable. I tried more than 10 things, to get out of this, and finally, 1 thing worked. I know I might think that I am not special or smart or whatever I keep telling myself. But I deserve happiness and love. Everyone does.

So, go be happy.

Part 2 (16/1/2021)

I tried not to be in a weird zone this weekend and be happy with the world around me. I went out with friends got coffee, got drunk but it felt that I wasn’t happy, like something was missing. I didn’t plan the day, to do something, go out and have some fun. I tend to plan my days when it’s related to work but not when it comes to social or personal life. I am going to plan my personal life ahead and look forward to the adventures. Next weekend, I won’t be in a weird zone. Again I got out of the weird zone due to my close friend pushing me to dance when I woke up on video call and that genuinely made me happy. Again friendship took me out of the rut. One of the best investments I have made in life is friendship.

Part 3 (21/1/2021)

I move to Pune this week. The increased work pressure and setting in got to me today. I flipped out and didn’t know how to be normal. I slept in the afternoon. I just lied in my bed for 30 minutes feeling like absolute shit, had a fight with my friend who was trying to help me, and then I went running, I played some old Hindi songs and ran. I did pushups, sang, jumped here and there, and felt like a human. Came back and started working. Will work till late and gets things done.